Dear Michael, My Old Friend: A Letter From Depression


Dear Michael
My old friend

I’m writing to touch base with you in regards to your attempts to make something worthwhile of yourself and your life. While it’s true that you have some talent and have amassed a certain level of skill in your lifetime, surely you realize that there is, in fact, no hope for you? You are, after all, ill disciplined, spoiled, and frighteningly average. Are you aware of the amount of competition you are up against in the music business and society in general? I implore you not to place too much hope in your shiny new dream of writing. You will, of course, discover that your skills in that field will level out in the same manner as your skills in music – good but not great. Some research into the industry will enlighten you to the fact that every creative field is suffering from the same glut of Gen Y talent as music. Additionally, you’re 28 years old now. It’s far too late for you to expect to make anything of yourself in an entirely new field, or indeed, your current chosen field. Please don’t forget that you could have been anything except for the fact that you’re not quite good enough. As a courtesy to you, I have attached a large sum of lethargy to give you the time to come to realize that these things are true. You’ll notice, after such a long correspondence between you and myself, that the usual pillars of diet and exercise are no longer effective in separating us. This fills me with hope for our forming of a fruitful life long relationship. I wholeheartedly support your decision to attend a Kanye West concert last week. It should serve as a healthy reminder of all the elements of greatness that you yourself lack.
On a separate note, it saddens me to see you trying to break away from the old habits that have served you (and myself) so well in the past. As a reminder, I have attached temptations, packaged with a sense of hopelessness to lubricate your (inevitable) fall back into their arms.

Yours in constant devotion and loving affection
-Depression

P.S.
Please spend as much time on Facebook as possible. To wallow in the successes and positivity of others should remind you of your tiny, hopeless place in the world. It does my heart good to see your newsfeed full of your direct competition. It should constantly remind you how far behind the ball you really are and how little chance you really have.

 

 

This little ditty owes its form and tone to CS Lewis and The Screwtape Letters.

Photo by Chiara Adams at Doublethink Design

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